Seinfeld: the Costco series

 

I love Seinfeld. Yes, it’s old now (as was made very clear when, as a Teaching Assistant in grad school, I attempted to use it to illustrate concepts and realized that many of the students had not seen the show before…) but I still find myself quoting from episodes in conversations with friends and family. (For example, when my brother bought our father a new wallet, I joked that dad could finally get rid of his “George” wallet.)

Yes, there was the famous “Beef-a-roni/ marble rye” episode in which Kramer discovered the joy of buying in bulk at warehouse stores (the horse did not fare so well after eating multiple huge cans of the disgusting beef mixture), but there are many other scenes or episodes that I can imagine having taken place inside a Costco. Just as there was Saved by the Bell : the new class” and “24: live another day” (i.e., the London edition), there could have been Seinfeld: the Costco series.

Here are some scenes or episodes that I can imagine:

1.Stealing from the marble rye scenario, I can imagine George buying the (famous) huge chocolate layer cake to bring to his girlfriend’s parents’ house to try to create a good impression. Then, if they did not serve the cake or if they only served a little bit, I can see him trying to figure out how to take the remaining cake home.

2. Jerry, George, and Elaine could certainly have a nuanced discussion about the etiquette of sampling…I have already generated several strategies https://cruisingcostco.wordpress.com/2015/11/10/what-kind-of-sampler-are-you/. To add to this list, I can see them debating the extent to which one should pretend to seriously consider buying the  product before asking for a second taste (to be “sure” before purchasing it).

3. Jerry could go to the food court, craving a hot dog but not the soda. I can see him trying to negotiate to pay less because he only wants the hot dog. Then, when he is informed that he can pass on the soda, but still has to pay for both, he claims that he has a rare disease (akin to uromysitisis poisoning from the episode where he urinates in the mall parking garage) where he can not have liquids and is being discriminated against by having to pay for a drink that will not be used.

4. Kramer could get a job as an employee who hands out samples…enough said.

5. Newman might hoard Costco coupon booklets by not delivering them on his mail route. Instead of his line, “when you control the mail, you control information”, he could say, “when you control the mail, you control Costco coupons.”

6. George is holding a Super Bowl party but thinks his TV set is too small, so he buys a huge one at Costco, and then, taking advantage of their liberal return policy https://cruisingcostco.wordpress.com/2015/11/15/returning-at-costco/, plans to return it the Monday after the game.

7. Of course Elaine would meet a guy in the bakery section. A tall dark stranger sees her perusing the muffins and says, “those are sweet but not as sweet as you…” (Since that would be a really original line and she could act all coy…)

8. George writes a resume for a job application and includes “Costco executive” as a former position. (Hey, it’s no worse than Vandalay Industries.)

9. George would buy someone a $100 gift card for $80 https://cruisingcostco.wordpress.com/2015/12/20/good-deals-on-gift-cards/ but would want “credit” for the full $100 (like how he needed credit for Elaine’s “big salad”) Therefore, he keeps saying how he bought it at [insert non-Costco store].

10. Jerry taking his parents to a new Costco near their retirement home in Florida and running into other residents at Del Boca Vista by the display of lox and whitefish.

11. Kramer deciding that he could throw a party with free samples and showing up every day at 5 (when the samples stop) to get leftovers and also bribing children to get extra samples to give to him for his collection.

12. George borrows the label maker (regifted from Tim Watley, the dentist) to put prices ending in “97” on lots of items so that he can buy them at a discount.

13. George trying to make a meal out if the food court condiments because they are free.

14. Jerry buys clothes at Costco but cuts out the labels so that no one knows they are not a fancier brand (like how he cut the size out of his jeans).

15. George waiting outside of Costco until he sees someone who resembles him so that he can beg to use his Costco card rather than spend the membership fee.